9. THE WRITING IS ON THE WALL - DOCTORS DIAGNOSIS MYSELF AS SUFFERING A SEVERE DISORDER!

The doctors explained to me that i have onset Psychosis and irreversible schizophrenia.

Apparently I should have confused thinking, delusions, & hallucinations? Fantastic… except i am not!. Instead I am hearing voices loud and clear and they are boring the shit out of me! I am seriously jealous of Emily Rose (Please click here for more info)  Anneliese Michel's (Exorcism or Exorcist) was her real name) as the voices she heard were evil & established individuals or so they said??? Although if i am thinking truthfully all her voices were afterlife fuckwitz that were beyond nasty!!! Mine are worse than wannabe industry people loving the sound of their own voices! (Please click here to hear some of voices i am hearing). THAT TAKES BEING NASTY when they are dealing with me TO A WHOLE further severe WORLD!!!

Trust me when i say i know what a drug induced state can cause & not cause that is how i know half of what is going on is something else!..& half of what is going on can't be explained by medical science I'm sure, thats why this is such a problem for me.... plus I gotta ask am i a patient or a test rabbit??… fuck I'm over drugs!....but at least i have not had any of these following drugs (listed below) on the dance floor like i have had everything else! LOL 

I am not proud to admit i spent too many years off my tits at dance parties or getting hammered at home any & every day of the week to make cleaning the house more interesting! 

If you find yourself cleaning the bathroom floor with a toothbrush & unsure if its even yours or not you know you may have gone too far!

Yes I have done more, yes more than my fair share of drugs…but makes a person self aware & it has given me in-depth knowledge of the entire alphabet of chemicals & all their side effects… so bloody hell i'd say i am well aware of what i should/shouldn't be feeling???

Wanna know all the drugs & medication i have been on? Please read on.

8. HMMMMM... I GUESS MY LITTLE UNIVERSE WAS WRONG!

DID MY FAVORITE T-SHIRT GET IT WRONG?

The T-Shirt above & below features Grover (My nickname as i unintentionally make Grover sounds all the time) but who is he with? 

Similar heights but bigger nose & build & nice smile! 

Sexy for sure! Tele-Monster is his name.

Pictured together means we should be together???

That is not that crazy is it???

Is Marc Wilcox the Tele-Monster???

On Sesame Street "A", "B", always finishes with "C"? Doesn't it? Well that is how the song goes. "Its as easy as ABC"

That's how easy love should be??? 

A hot bloke named Mark told me when chatting on "Manhunt" website that his name finishes in "c" Marc? Marc Wilcox? (Hard_novelty@bigmucle.com where he did say he liked hairy butts which i can accommodate but i wax it all off). 

On "Manhunt" Marc with a "c" exchanged numbers & said he might hook up with me the following weekend at Pool Party in Palm Springs. Serioulsy if you had read his profile online i fit the bill. Almost exactly 10 years younger (Tick) tall (Tick), & possible red haired (Tick) (I was once labelled as being "Tawny" (Please click here for more information)) & he said he wanted someone that had brains so he could fuck them out (Tick) (Please click  here for more information). 

Or maybe it should have started with capital "C" Craig? Craig Hibbard (Toughboy@bigmucle.com but he had in capital letters HIV NEGATIVE which does not work for me) 

Or maybe I was wrong & it was neither to be & maybe i am meant to be with neither?

Is the Tele-Monster strangling Grover?

Yes it sounds crazy & Yes I know it sounds crazy PLUS if either of Marc Wilcox or Craig Hibbard were the slightest bit interested years ago when i first met them both & said the same thing twice as they made me nervous & I was new in town... they invited me to a party but i got too shy & nervous & never went... & needed to find out what the hell was going on with the guy i was with at the time, but sadly now i have yelled, screamed, harassed, texted, phoned, stalked, begged & pleaded that neither will speak with me face to face... so i get even more crazy...

CRAZY PEOPLE NEED TO BE TOLD IN PERSON 

"YOU ARE FAAAARKEN CRAZY"!

Then maybe i can deal with this crazy shit i am going thru! (Schizophrenia & Psychosis (Please click here for more information).

Hmmm both looking awkward

Wanna hear more crazy? If finding Love Prospects on the basis of a Sesame Street 

T-shirt & Sesame Street song is not crazy enough... 

Plus what happened on every App known to man? 

Please read on.

7. JOCK HUDSON FOUND SCREAMING FOR POLICE HELP?

911 Emergency Services Called

Is there screaming in your head as well as out loud? What if it was you that was found screaming for the police? 

After suffering a seizure, & screaming was heard, police were called & the street of Romaine between Croft & Alfred was closed while they investigated & the apartment searched.

Jock Hudson was taken to Cedar Sinai Hospital emergency for observation before being released from Hospital 3 days later. CT of the brain was obtained. Examination consisted of thin section axial images from the skull to the vertex. 

🌠Upon doctors instruction from Cedars Sinai Hospital ✡ Thank you.
Jock Hudson moved residences the same afternoon he was released.🌟💫✨⭐

During the incident I had screamed so loud that I lost my voice & couldn’t speak properly for the 3 days in hospital & still had troubles speaking after being released.


What should you do if  you know something is wrong but no-one seems to notice or is listening?

Whoever the voices i was hearing in my head... didnt stop, i heard them claim later that they didnt recognise my voice since my voice was so strained, so they continued anyway. Those i thought i was hearing i never had a chance or never felt comfortable enough to approach so never got resolution as to involvement?

What were the people that lived in the apartment above me & the landlord thinking & doing that day? What weird things were going on in the building? Was it their voices i was hearing in my head? Did i have mental telepathy? Or was it in fact the afterlife i was hearing in my head? What bible experience did i have?

Wanna hear about my bible experience? Please read on.

6. MOJAVE RUN PORN SCENE SHOOT! WHAT REALLY HAPPENED BACK THEN IN 2010!

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5•5. HALLUCINATING HOT GREEN FIGURES! EXCEPT GIRL ON GIRL? I AM GAY ARNT I?

Ever since i started hearing voices almost 11 years ago, right from the beginning, i every so often see as clear as day green images of people. Its almost like they were/are right in front of me! Back year 2010 I remembered the clearest vision i had was of two hot girls, one a brunette and one a blonde! OMG OMG OMG where they hot! Best strip show & erotic hot dancing i have ever seen, with hair flicks & bends that would make any straight hetro man shoot a load in his pants I'm sure... the only problem is that it was slightly waisted on me coz I'm Aussie fag (gay man)! Full poofta! eeeeeeeeek. I probably critic-ted their super hot & erotic dance moves more like a choreographer or dance teacher would rather than enjoying the boner that i had managed to receive. LOL. 

It amazing how many heterosexuals & female voices i hear in my head! I do not dislike women! But Jenny Rothschild & Katherine Jones??? (Please click here for more information) Really???

So what happened in the end? Please read on.

5. WHATS STOPPING YOU NOW JOCK HUDSON? ANOTHER PSYCH QUESTION!

Psych Question 1:

What would you do if you came across a dirty great big brick wall that was in your way, stopping you, too big to climb over and too wide to go around... what would you do? What is the first thing that comes to your mind?

What would you do? What is your immediate first thought? Please answer this question before you read on. Please be honest?

Back when i was first asked this question (aged 21) unlike everyone else in the room who said they would somehow knock the wall down which is what i am guessing was your first thought???

"I honestly said the truth. I would just sit & lean against it & enjoy a cigarette!" 

But years later when i almost turned 32, & after discovering allot about life & doing my best to ensure the worst anyone could say about me i would already know. "My answer had changed to the same as most people & my first thought was that I would think to knock that bloody wall down before you finished asking the question". Coz i want nothing to stop me from seeing what tomorrow brings. 

"Sadly now i may joke & say i'd pull down my pants & moon it, but the truth is now just the thought of being asked the wall question makes me feel ill & I try not to dry wrench!"

Sadly presently my first thought is not to knock it down & to not feel sick or like i wanna dry wrench when asked the question my thoughts are i should turn my back to the wall & walk away from it. 

Why the question? 
Its part of a psych exam question. The wall believe it or not represents your feelings towards death & your answer reflects your love of life. Morbid it sounds, i know, but if your truthful with what you first thought, was it correct? Was your first thought knock it down?

If you have ever been suicidal then you would answer differently to having the first thought of knocking the wall down. 

Back when i originally said i would just sit down & lean against the wall & enjoy a cigarette. 

The Truth is that Around that Time I almost Threw Myself off a Cliff & Killed Myself  (Please click here for more information). 

It was about 2-3 am when i stood there contemplating life & doing my head in before i finally decided to go home to bed because i figured i could kill myself another day. 

Took me Ten Years to get over Suicidal Tendencies (Please click here for more information). 

The only other people (which exist in the afterlife) that have come up with a different answer different to knocking the wall down sadly all committed suicide. One answered he would take a piss on it, the others said they were confused by it & would want more information or to place their head against the wall to get a better sense of it. One lady made me wet myself laughing when she said she could not tell anyone her answer because the wall instantly made her think of how dogs pee on the wall & made her think that was what she wanted to do... & yes she committed suicide.

I really dream I will think of the wall as being encouragement, & nothing to fear since it is surrounded by beautiful souls rather than just something that needs to be knocked down. 

Psych Question 2: 

(A Fun Psych Question)

Do you like coffee? Yes or No? & Why do you like coffee? 

Again it has to be your very first thought? Your first answer?

The Coffee question is certainly allot more fun definitely. Message me and i'll give you the answer. LOL.(But please in the comment include your answer. I said YES, coz its social. My best bud Frank said YES, coz his is Italian, & a hot babe named Helen said YES, coz she loved the creamy froth on top! She laughed her head off when told what it meant & what it answers. X X X PLUS its amazing how that question ALWAYS works out right for the person.

Photos from 2005/6 

@ Castle Howard Estate, York, 

North Yorkshire, England UK 

(When I lived in London & visited friends).


Thanks to JompasFavorites (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXrhIz1y_t4X-z4E60aULhQ)

4. THE FIRST FILM THAT I EVER FEATURED!

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3. SILENCE (I could hear the wind) NO VOICES IN MY HEAD? EARTHQUAKE?

Since i started hearing voices, they have never stopped & i never get a break. Like having a group of people sitting around you constantly asking you questions, chatting relentless about nothing to annoy you or questioning your every move, or thought, always wanting to know what i am doing? To sleep at night since they won't stop i usually have to take more than the recommended amount of sleeping tablets. 

Tonight was the first time the voices stopped & I could not hear them... I sat out on the balcony & I was able to hear the wind and only the wind... it was a beautiful sound... sound of peace & quiet... & sadly the last time i have been able to hear the world around me like the rest of the world can as the voices started again first thing as i woke in the morning & have never stopped again like that night. 

I have not had more than a 1 minute break from them since!


What broke the silence as i sat on the balcony enjoying the sound of the wind & feeling the breeze on my face? Please read on.

2•5. THE FIRST VOICES I HEARD IN MY HEAD?

Katy Perry = Kate Hudson

The first conversation i had with a voice inside my head was with a lady named Kate (Please click here for more information). She told me that she had lost her baby & that her baby had died which i empathised with & did my best to give her friendly advice which i had gain from one of my best friends named Tara Fugger (Please click here for more information). Basically as Tara once told me, i said she must be a good soul because life only throws at you what you can handle. It was a deep & meaningful conversation which was clear & while i was home alone sitting in the lounge room. During this time i did not realise i was now schizophrenic & actually thought i had mental telepathy & the voices were not coming from the afterlife or Heaven (Please click here for more information) but instead the people living in the apartment above me. I also around this time heard Jenny Rothschild say in my head, again without my permission that she would be my teacher. I also knew i was hearing a blonde haired lady whom i later discovered was Katherine Jones (Please click here for more information). I used to hear Jenny Rothschild & Katherine Jone's (Please click here for more information) voices as well as Scott & Jason Panza (Please click here for more information) whom would turn out to be souls different to those living on 1001 Croft Avenue, West Hollywood & instead be those names mentioned & Karl Josef Silberbaur (Please click here for more information). I thought i had gained the ability of mental telepathy from the people in the apartment playing "Hemi Sync" discs on their stereo which with my sensitive hearing i could hear. For example the stop smoking disc, that should only ever be played whilst wearing a headset because it affects brainwaves.

Looking for pics of what i thought Kate might look like i found this pic of Katy Perry. Kate is more curvaceous & has child bearing hips but when i discovered Katy Perry's real name was originally Kate Hudson I knew how she looked. 

Did i tell the voices I could hear to stop nicely & politely? Please read on.

2. MEN MAGAZINE PHOTO SHOOT "MAKING HIS MARK" OCTOBER 2009

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1. TRAVELLED THE WORLD & MOVED TO LONDON BEFORE WANTING TO CALL USA HOME!

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0. BLOG STARTING POINT - DOES 20+ YEARS PARTYING CAUSE YOU TO HEAR VOICES?

Photo taken back around year 2000 (Photo taken by Veronique who i love cause the photo made my abs look great and best ever which i always felt i looked good when I was in her company) before i left Sydney Shore to discover the world and myself at the time which back then i was still in the process of working out who i actually was??

I barely recognise myself (Second from the right) waxed plucked & pruned!

Do you hear voices in your head? Most people in their head hear their own voices playing a good role (Angel?) or something involving more trouble (devilish?). As a child growing up you are told no one can hear your thoughts & whether bad or good they are private & only you can hear them? What if that is not true? Why can my thoughts be heard now? It is invasive to say the least!

The other people in the photo are all pure heaven! 

Wonderful people to know! 

PLUS i learnt how to party & party i did for almost 20 years +

My friend Tara is a beautiful soul and gave me some of the greatest advice in life. She helped me with extra fun! 

She was even the person that first started me off working out & loving the gym! X X X

She & everyone mentioned in this blog entry knew me before my transformation.

TEST QUESTION NUMBER 1
How come that boy in the black & white photo below has got the same hair & facial hair around his chin as the fruit beside a gorgeous Paulo in the colour photo below the black & white photo? Is it the same fella?

Transformation included reconstructive surgery which before going into surgery gave me cocaine which they asked me if I had it before & although claiming I had not had it before I actually told the nurse she should allow me to snort it rather than how she shoved the liquified substance up my nose with difficulty & hurting my nose & I could not get over its strength & had to say this shit is strong & all before going into the operating theatre. So shit faced (Please click here for more information) i screaming at the nurse "Something bit me" who placed the heart rate monitor on my finger & I was not paying attention as I was too tall to fit on the operating table & busy singing the Twilight Zone theme as i seen all the operating lights above me. I thought something had bitten me. lol) to attempt to fix deviated septum (Unaware of a nose breakage during an accident as a child caused it to incorrectly develop) I additionally had further cosmetic surgery rather than just reconstructive surgery to restore myself & my looks. What is funny is that i didn't tell my parents about additional chin implant. When my parents picked me up after second surgery my mum asked me "Did you have your chin done?" i said nothing coz i had two black eyes and ambundance of bandaging around my chin so i could not lie. hehe. LOL

Surgery was the best thing for me & it was thanks to surgery I was able to erase all my school years of total harassment, bullying and abuse from school kids in my year & additionally from kids in the lower years to me! I stopped searching for a reason for being bullied so badly by blaming it all on my nose.

Since my deviated septum (bent nose) from an accident as a child made my nose grow the wrong way & consequently then stopped my voice breaking & i sounded weird & screechy if i went to say something unsure if i would make any noise at all. 

Meant during English class, the teacher said 

"We don't want to hear your voice, next person read on." 

And i had to deal with the whole class laughing at me. 

 Being a skinny kid with braces on my teeth & with a weird voice & gel in my hair AND instead of soccer or cricket after school sports i did dancing & figure skating (Roller (Please click here for more information)) meant I was an easy target for bullies to harass!

Picked last in Physical Education Class when forming teams???

Worse than that! 

They don't want me on either team!

so i would get pushed back & forth by each team.

They scream as they shove me towards the other team 

"No we do not want him on our team, have him on your team"

"No Teacher said he was on your Team" as they shove me away towards other team again!

Unaccepted by both teams meant I would sit that game out.

The Teacher would allow myself, and my best friends Craig Walshie, Blake Trudgeon, Lindsey Shaw & Chris Pratley (when he wanted to join us) to play tennis instead separated from the rest of the P.E class which saved me embarrassment! 

To be honest i had no idea i was gay until leaving High School because i grew up with friends that were all girls (Neighbors) & i thought i was just bored with Virginas coz as a kid i ONLY ever played doctors & nurses with girls & besides seeing my dads cock once when i was too young to remember i just thought i was bored with seeing vaginas. I even discovered my dads collection of "Penthouse" & "Playboy" magazines which my mum knew about & allowed him to collect as is it is healthy & not cheating. I read & jerked off to every picture. Although in reflection i do not think it increased masturbation looking at pussy but the thought of cock going into the pussy's i was checking out in each magazine. 

Would you believe when i was in year 10 (School certificate Year) I was in a shopping centre & kids in years below me, i think year 8 had discovered from seeing all the students in my year make fun of me without a reaction that they could make fun of me in a attempt to to look good. So whilst i was in Westfield Shopping centre kids in years below me started yelling that i was a poofta & a faggot & that i stuck 4 finger up some guys bum (totally untrue as i did not loose my virginity until working in a gay bar for six months & still never touched another guys bum) I did my best to ignore them but everyone in the shopping centre was staring at me which understanably was hard to deal with. 

Would you believe I did not have my first sexual experience with another male until after i had accepted i was gay & to meet other gay males & to make friends, thanks to Louise O'Conner suggesting the idea, took a second job at "The Flinders" (Next to Beresford ally) which known as a one of the premier gay party venues back in the mid 90's as a "Glassy" (collecting glasses) & "Bartender". Working behind the Bar there mean i had a reputation HOWEVER i was still a Virgin until after i stopped working there. When Dafney (David) my boss mentioned initiating me on the pool table i became so scared that i quit coz i was a virgin. LOL. I discovered DCM (Dont Cry For Me Mumma Coz I am Gay - Oxford Street Sydney) party scene since i was fortunate enough to receive a 'Industry pass' which meant i did not have to line up to get in or pay entry fee, all because i worked at the 'Flinders'.where most of the friends i meet were not gay but straight. OMG HOW I LOVED DCM IN THE MID 90's! LOL. The gay boys pick up & leave whereas the "Straight" party people at DCM's party all weekend long starting at "Sugar Reef" (Kings Cross) & "Blackmarket" (Central Station) followed by the "Beresford" Sundays rather than having one night stands! 

Now for a game? who's up for some real test questions? Please read on.