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Monday, 27 September 2010

11. A JEALOUS SOUL TRYIN TO TAKE MY PLACE IN LIFE???

From 11pm till around 4:30am in the morning a severe force pulled me backwards forcing me to land upside down backwards on top of my head!
 Not the back of my head but physically the top like gravity had been turned upside down. Each time i sat upright almost immediately i was forced backwards back onto my head. There was no way i could just lay back & stop trying to sit upright each time my head hit the wood floor every 5-10 seconds because my neck was bent so badly as the top of my head to hit the wood floor. My shoulder blades were lifted up off the floor in order for the top part of my head to hit each time. It’s a wonder my neck was not severely damaged or in fact broken each time i went backwards upside down on my head. i lost count how many times my head hit the wood floor it occurred that relentlessly. I wish i had a camera to record the incident to show how brutal it was & for doctors to explain. Basically Karl Josef Silberbauer (Please click here for more information) was in my head & jealous as hell of me & my life & thought he could pull my soul from my head & take over me. Like a exorcism needing exorcist!

IT WAS SCAREY, SHOCKING, HORRIFIC AND IT HURT!
IT WAS SO SEVERE AND NASTY IT WAS DEMONIC! 
EMERGENCY SERVICES WAS DESPERATELY NEEDED!
I WISH I HAD A CAMERA RECORDING THIS EVENT TO PROVE WHAT HAPPENED!
I WAS HOME ALONE & IT LASTED FOR 4+ HOURS!


My apartment got trashed as i had tried to grab pillows off the lounge chair to place under the top of my head & in the frenzied panic the room got destroyed. 
Each time i tried to get up off my head i was pulled back upside down & my head banged on the floor repetitively. Luckily my neck & back not broken due to the position banging on the top of my head kept forcing me in as it continued for hours! It was demonic to say the least! I wish i had not been home alone that night.



Was someone (Karl Josef Silberbauer) or Jason Panza (the bloke that lived in apartment above me when I lived on North Croft Ave West Hollywood (Please click here to find out more information)) trying to take my soul from my head and replace it with his because they were jealous as hell of me and wanted to be me??? (To see why Please click the following Link for more information). I'm sick and tired of hearing a male voice (afterlife or real world-I don’t know) carrying on like a prema-donna "But the prostitute (me) downstairs owns a Rolex & more than 1"!!! Get over it C%*#!


I should have called emergency services (911) but instead I ended up calling Marc Wilcox? Why? Please read on.

Saturday, 3 July 2010

10. AT NIGHT IN BED I HAVE BEEN HALLUCINATING PENGUINS DOING SONG & DANCE?

At night i am hallucinating penguins everywhere just like the cute little Christmas Penguin beside my bed on the nightstand. (below in pic 1).

Voices told me what must be done to stop seeing them dancing! The last time i ever did what the voices asked. I cried none stop as I cut his head off… I cried even more taking photo (1. First Life Photo) to prove i had done what they asked… I loved that little penguin. Today however I found a penguin (2. Second Life Photo with the Welcome sign) and I noticed under his little scarf hidden stitches holding his head back onto his neck? Sure he looks a little worse for wear & initially gave me a grumpy stare but OMG i think its him reborn again! 





If he had gone happily & peacefully in his 1. First Life Photo..... rather than mutilated brutally by me, would he have returned to this world in a better state? Not looking so hammered??? Still looks seriously cute but you gotta admit without his Welcome sign he looks seriously messed up! 
One thing I have learnt from this experience is that if you truly love something then you need to let it go, & if it returns back to you then it was yours, but if it doesn’t then you still haven't learnt that it was never yours in the first place. 

Want more updates on my Penguin? Please read on.

Thursday, 17 June 2010

9. THE WRITING IS ON THE WALL - DOCTORS DIAGNOSIS MYSELF AS SUFFERING A SEVERE DISORDER!

The doctors explained to me that i have onset Psychosis and irreversible schizophrenia.


Apparently I should have confused thinking, delusions, & hallucinations? Fantastic… except i am not!. 
Instead I am hearing voices loud and clear and they are boring the shit out of me! I am seriously jealous of Emily Rose (Please click here for more info)  Anneliese Michel's (Exorcism or Exorcist) was her real name) as the voices she heard were evil & established individuals or so they said??? Although if i am thinking truthfully all her voices were afterlife fuckwitz that were beyond nasty!!! Mine are worse than wannabe industry people loving the sound of their own voices! (Please click here to hear some of voices i am hearing). THAT TAKES BEING NASTY when they are dealing with me TO A WHOLE further severe WORLD!!!


Trust me when i say i know what a drug induced state can cause & not cause that is how i know half of what is going on is something else!..& half of what is going on can't be explained by medical science I'm sure, thats why this is such a problem for me.... plus I gotta ask am i a patient or a test rabbit??… fuck I'm over drugs!....but at least i have not had any of these following drugs (listed below) on the dance floor like i have had everything else! LOL 

Firstly the doctors put me on:
2010 Risperidone

2010 Methadone (Stopped my body parts from moving after seizures)

2013 Esitalo (Escitalopram) 20mg (Anti-depressant rather than Anti-psychotic)

2014 Ability (Aripiprazole) 30mg
2015 Zyprexa (Olanzapine) 5mg (You gain fat cells even if you lived on lettuce leaves)
2016 Zyprexa (Olanzapine) 10mg (Was effective in removing Hypnotics (Please click here for more information))

2018 Seroquel (Quetiapine) 100mg  (Massive weight gainer - Case Manager said her client gained 60kg/132pounds)

Seroquel (Quetiapine)
 
is the worst offender of increasing the production of fat cells & after hearing from my Mental Health Case Manager that one of her patients gained 60 kilos (132.77 pounds) weight whilst on Seroquel (Quetiapine) so i only took that antipsychotic drug for a few weeks.  I am sorry but even if the drug worked & removed the voices in my head, i am shallow/vain i admit, but there is no way i could be happy with such excessive weight gain.

2018 Latuda (Lurasidone hydrochloride) 40mg  (Less weight gain)
2019 Latuda (Lurasidone hydrochloride) 40mg (Deadly if taken more than two doses)

2019 Rexulti (Brexpiprazole) 3mg

2019 Clozaril (Clozapine) (Must be administered in hospital only) 

 🏥  (Please click here for more information on start of treatment date) Due to severe chest pains caused by the Clozapine, the medication was terminated as Jock Hudson needed to be taken to the cardiac ward immediately for 3 days of observation. The Clozapine caused Myocarditis which can mean instant heart attack & death. 3 days in the cardiac ward before being allowed to leave & return to the Mental Health Ward as i narrowly escaped heart attack/failure. Sadly though i still had Myocarditis which meant several months of being constantly monitored. (For more information on how long Myocarditis stuck with me - Please click here) & for more information regarding the problem of hearing voices (Please click here).

To be honest i am not upset that the Clozaril (Clozapine) attempt to remove the voices in my failed due to almost having a heart attack & had to be terminated because i have since learnt that taking Clozaril (Clozapine) increases the production of fat cells more than taking Zyprexa (Olanzopine) which made me gain so much weight that i ended up having liposuction (Please click here for more information) to remove the unwanted extra fat/weight once i had stopped taking it. Even if you lived on Lettuce Leaves you cannot avoid gaining weight.

2019 Risperidone again (Small amount of weight gain)

2020 Geoden (Ziprisodone) 20mg (No weight gain)
2020 Geoden (Ziprisodone) 80mg

2020 Solian (Amisulpride) 200mg (No weight gain)
2020 Solian (Amisulpride) 400mg (Makes the voices lay dormant)
2022 Solian (Amisulpride) 800mg
2023 Solian (Amisulpride) 1200mg

2024 Invega (Paliperidone) Depot 100mg (Monthly Injections) (Increases your appetitee)
2024 APO-Olanzapine 10mg (Weight gain)
2024 Invega (Paliperidone) Depot 100mg (Monthly injections)
2024 Invega (Paliperidone) Depot 150mg (Monthly injections)

This list doesn't include the drugs that i was prescribed to take that they have finally taken me off as they may have been what caused the damage in the first place!

Sustiva (efavirenz) 600mg as in Atripla Tablet. (In Australia when Sustiva was separate & only 300mg dose there was major health warning for patients alerting them it may cause Vivid dreams, HOWEVER i already had Vivid dreams so my dreaming turned to Lucid immediately upon first dose).



I am not proud to admit i spent too many years off my tits at dance parties or getting hammered at home any & every day of the week to make cleaning the house more interesting (although if you find yourself cleaning the bathroom floor with a toothbrush & unsure if its even yours or not you know you may have gone too far!) … & yes I have done more, yes more than my fair share of drugs…but makes a person self aware & it has given me in-depth knowledge of the entire alphabet of chemicals & all their side effects… so bloody hell i'd say i am well aware of what i should/shouldn't be feeling???

Tuesday, 1 June 2010

8. HMMMMM... I GUESS MY LITTLE UNIVERSE WAS WRONG! :(

DID MY FAVORITE T-SHIRT GET IT WRONG?


The T-Shirt above (My favorite & so i purchased two of them) features Grover (One of my nicknames because i unintentionally make Grover sounds all day long) but who is he with? Similar height but he has a bigger nose, bigger build and nice smile! Sexy for sure! Tele-Monster is his name on Sesame Street. That is whom i am meant to be with. That is not that crazy is it?

Never based love prospects according to a Sesame Street song?????

On Sesame Street
"A", "B", always finishes with "C"? Doesn't it? 
Well that is how the song goes. "Its as easy as ABC"
That's how easy love should be??? 
A hot bloke named Mark told me when chatting on "Manhunt" website that his name finishes in "c" Marc? Marc Wilcox (Hard_novelty@bigmucle.com where he did say he liked hairy butts which i can accommodate but i wax it all off). 
On "Manhunt" Marc with a "c" exchanged numbers & said he might hook up with me the following weekend at Pool Party in Palm Springs. Serioulsy if you had read his profile online i fit the bill. Almost exactly 10 years younger (Tick) tall (Tick), & possible red haired (Tick) (I was once labelled as being "Tawny" (Please click here for more information)) & he said he wanted someone that had brains so he could fuck them out (Tick) (Please click  here for more information). 
Or maybe it should have started with capital "C" Craig? Craig Hibbard (Toughboy@bigmucle.com but he had in capital letters HIV NEGATIVE which does not work for me) 
Or maybe I was wrong & it was neither to be 
& maybe i am meant to be with neither?


Yes it sounds crazy & Yes I know it sounds crazy PLUS if either of Marc Wilcox or Craig Hibbard were the slightest bit interested years ago when i first met them both & said the same thing twice as they made me nervous and I was new in town... they invited me to a party but i got too shy & nervous & never went... & needed to find out what the hell was going on with the guy i was with at the time, but sadly now i have yelled, screamed, harassed, texted, phoned, stalked, begged & pleaded that neither will speak with me face to face... 
so i get even more crazy...

CRAZY PEOPLE NEED TO BE TOLD IN PERSON 
"YOU ARE FAAAARKEN CRAZY"!

Then maybe i can deal with this crazy shit i am going thru! (Schizophrenia & Psychosis (Please click here for more information).


Wanna hear more crazy? Plus what happened on every App known to man? Please read on.

Sunday, 16 May 2010

7. JOCK HUDSON FOUND SCREAMING FOR POLICE HELP?

911 Emergency Services Called

Is there screaming in your head as well as out loud? What if it was you that was found screaming for the police? 



After suffering a seizure, & screaming was heard, police were called & the street of Romaine between Croft & Alfred was closed while they investigated & the apartment searched.

Jock Hudson was taken to Cedar Sinai Hospital emergency for observation before being released from Hospital 3 days later. CT of the brain was obtained. Examination consisted of thin section axial images from the skull to the vertex. 



🌠Upon doctors instruction from Cedars Sinai Hospital ✡ Thank you.
Jock Hudson moved residences the same afternoon he was released.🌟💫



During the incident I had screamed so loud that I lost my voice & couldn’t speak properly for the 3 days in hospital & still had troubles speaking after being released.


What should you do if  you know something is wrong but no-one seems to notice or is listening?

Whoever the voices i was hearing in my head... didnt stop, i heard them claim later that they didnt recognise my voice since my voice was so strained, so they continued anyway. Those i thought i was hearing i never had a chance or never felt comfortable enough to approach so never got resolution as to involvement?

What were the people that lived in the apartment above me & the landlord thinking & doing that day? What weird things were going on in the building? Was it their voices i was hearing in my head? Did i have mental telepathy? Or was it in fact the afterlife i was hearing in my head? What bible experience did i have?

Wanna hear about my bible experience? Please read on.

Tuesday, 2 February 2010

5. WHATS STOPPING YOU NOW JOCK HUDSON? ANOTHER PSYCH QUESTION!


Psych Question 1:
What would you do if you came across a dirty great big brick wall that was in your way, stopping you, too big to climb over and too wide to go around... what would you do? What is the first thing that comes to your mind?

What would you do? What is your immediate first thought? Please answer this question before you read on. Please be honest?


Back when i was first asked this question (aged 21) unlike everyone else in the room who said they would somehow knock the wall down which is what i am guessing was your first thought??? 
"I honestly said the truth. I would just lean against it & enjoy a cigarette!" 
But years later when i almost turned 32, & after discovering allot about life & doing my best to ensure the worst anyone could say about me i would already know. 
"My answer had changed to the same as most people & my first thought was that I would think to knock that bloody wall down before you finished asking the question". 
Coz i want nothing to stop me from seeing what tomorrow brings. 
"Sadly now i may joke & say i'd pull down my pants & moon it, but the truth is now just the thought of being asked the wall question makes me feel ill & I try not to dry wrench!"


26/09/2024 Update: Sadly my first thought is not to knock it down & in order to not feel sick or like i wanna dry wrench when asked the question my thoughts are that i should turn my back to the wall & walk away from it. 
"Get myself as far away from the wall as possible, ignore & turn my back to it, I don't wanna see it, especially so i don't feel ill. That is how you know i am telling the truth about my thoughts". 



Why the question? 
Its part of a psych exam question. The wall believe it or not represents your feelings towards death & your answer reflects your love of life. Morbid it sounds, i know, but if your truthful with what you first thought, was it correct? If you have ever been suicidal then you would answer differently to having the first thought of knocking the wall down.



Did you answer the question at the beginning truthfully with the first thing that came to your mind? Back when i originally said i would just sit down & lean against the wall & enjoy a cigarette "The Truth is that Around that Time I almost Threw Myself off a Cliff & Killed Myself" (Please click here for more information). It was about 2-3 am when i stood there contemplating life & doing my head in before i finally decided to go home to bed because i figured i could kill myself another day. "Took me Ten Years to get over Suicidal Tendencies" (Please click here for more information). The only other people (which exist in the afterlife) that have come up with a different answer different to knocking the wall down sadly all committed suicide. "One answered he would take a piss on it, the others said they were confused by it & would want more information or to place their head against the wall to get a better sense of it". "One lady who committed suicide that is in the afterlife made me wet myself laughing when she said she could not tell anyone her answer because the wall instantly made her think of how dogs pee on the wall & made her think that was what she wanted to do". hehehe. LOL. Hmmmmmm.

I really dream I will think of the wall as being encouragement, & nothing to fear since it is surrounded by beautiful souls rather than just something that needs to be knocked down. 

Psych Question 2: 
(A Fun Psych Question)
Do you like coffee? Yes or No? & Why do you like coffee? 
Again it has to be your very first thought? Your first answer?

The Coffee question is certainly allot more fun definitely. Message me and i'll give you the answer. LOL.(But please in the comment include your answer. I said YES, coz its social. My best bud Frank said YES, coz his is Italian, & a hot babe named Helen said YES, coz she loved the creamy froth on top! She laughed her head off when told what it meant & what it answers. X X X PLUS its amazing how that question ALWAYS works out right for the person. SMILE.

Photos from 2005/6 
Castle Howard Estate, York, 
North Yorkshire, England UK 
(When I lived in London & visited friends).


Thanks to JompasFavorites (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXrhIz1y_t4X-z4E60aULhQ)

Thursday, 22 October 2009

3. SILENCE (I could hear the wind) NO VOICES IN MY HEAD? EARTHQUAKE?

Since i started hearing voices, they have never stopped & i never get a break. Like having a group of people sitting around you constantly asking you questions, chatting relentless about nothing to annoy you or questioning your every move, or thought, always wanting to know what i am doing? To sleep at night since they won't stop i usually have to take more than the recommended amount of sleeping tablets. 


Tonight was the first time the voices stopped & I could not hear them... I sat out on the balcony & I was able to hear the wind and only the wind... it was a beautiful sound... sound of peace & quiet... & sadly the last time i have been able to hear the world around me like the rest of the world can as the voices started again first thing as i woke in the morning & have never stopped again like that night. 

I have not had more than a 1 minute break from them since!


What broke the silence as i sat on the balcony enjoying the sound of the wind & feeling the breeze on my face? Please read on.

Friday, 16 October 2009

2•5. THE FIRST VOICES I HEARD IN MY HEAD?

Katy Perry = Kate Hudson
The first conversation i had with a voice inside my head was with a lady named Kate (Please click here for more information). She told me that she had lost her baby & that her baby had died which i empathised with & did my best to give her friendly advice which i had gain from one of my best friends named Tara Fugger (Please click here for more information). Basically as Tara once told me, i said she must be a good soul because life only throws at you what you can handle. It was a deep & meaningful conversation which was clear & while i was home alone sitting in the lounge room. During this time i did not realise i was now schizophrenic & actually thought i had mental telepathy & the voices were not coming from the afterlife or Heaven (Please click here for more information) but instead the people living in the apartment above me. I also around this time heard Jenny Rothschild say in my head, again without my permission that she would be my teacher. I also knew i was hearing a blonde haired lady whom i later discovered was Katherine Jones (Please click here for more information). I used to hear Jenny Rothschild & Katherine Jone's (Please click here for more information) voices as well as Scott & Jason Panza (Please click here for more information) whom would turn out to be souls different to those living on 1001 Croft Avenue, West Hollywood & instead be those names mentioned & Karl Josef Silberbaur (Please click here for more information). I thought i had gained the ability of mental telepathy from the people in the apartment playing "Hemi Sync" discs on their stereo which with my sensitive hearing i could hear. For example the stop smoking disc, that should only ever be played whilst wearing a headset because it affects brainwaves.

Looking for pics of what i thought Kate might look like i found this pic of Katy Perry. Kate is more curvaceous & has child bearing hips but when i discovered Katy Perry's real name was originally Kate Hudson I knew how she looked. 

Did i tell the voices I could hear to stop nicely & politely? Please read on.